Zetsubo

Sometimes. Things come crashing down. Your mind is broken. Voices starts to appear. You lost sight of your goals and dreams. But those voices keep commanding you to move forward/give up. You no longer know which voice to trust and then you ask that heart of yours - which can only reply that it's confused.

I wish I'm not so matured. I wish I don't think so deeply like an adult. I feel like an adult because I behave and think like one. But it's tiring. Not that I can stop it. I grew up to encompass this. When rain threatens to fall in your world. It's disaster.

No. I love the rain. Don't get me wrong. But my inner world's rain is terrible. It won't stop pouring heavily. The sun is hidden behind the clouds. Wait no. It's purely darkness with the sound of heavy pouring rain. Like a broken radio. You can only hear the statics.

I hate the world. I hate myself. I never thought of myself who can make someone a better person or change the world. No. No such things. I wish I can. I don't even think there's anyone out there who is willing to die for me like I would for them. I get that by saying this I might be plainly selfish. But really think about it? Will you die for me? Don't say that you will to comfort me. Don't. I'll get mad. Really. Because you're just playing with my feelings. But if you do. I probably might feel that you are playing with my feelings too. Because I already deemed myself as a person who is never worth someone's sacrifice. Never.

Honestly I don't use much vulgarities on people other than myself. I cursed myself almost everytime when negative thoughts surface. I hate them. But it can't be help. Because the voices won't stop.

Do you understand? No the voices are my voices. Nothing italian or greek. Just my voices who contradicts each other. And I'm the one in between.

Imagine this situation.

In your primary school days. Your friends fell out. You were told to take sides. Either you be with this person or that person. And you don't know what to do because both of them are important and you don't want to lose either. (It happened to me once in primary school. But I didn't take sides. I got both their friendship but I thought I felt lonelier than before. Like nobody could understand me. All my friends took sides but me. Doesn't it make you look like an outcast?)

I look like a bystander in between the voices. The pessimistic me and the positive me. And the positive one is winning the war as of now. Which is why I'm still here. Alive. Those times where I let the negative side take over. I become hostile. Shut people out. Hatred. Evil. All I know is to hurt. I hate that. I tried to stop those feelings. I look at myself in the mirror and gets terrified. Who am I? Who the hell am I? This is my body. I can control it but I can't because I lost myself to the negative side.

So am I actually the positive side? No. I'm not. I'm just a bystander. Letting the positive do whatever it wants. While it tries to win the battle against the negative. That's why I said I'm still alive because the positive is fighting. But. I wish everything stops. These voices to retreat. I want to be myself.

You tell me that these two voices are part of me. And they makes me me. No you don't know how wrong you are. If they are me then who exactly am I?

I want to reach my dreams but the positive is kind of losing it's battle now. I'm tired. Really. On the verge of giving up. But as I remember the promises I made and how enthusiastic I was as I talk about my dreams. The positive starts to win again and then the routine repeats. Almost to the point that I'm tired of the repetition.

This is one true and honest appeal from me. I know this is me. I know. I want to reach my dreams. I want to keep on going without stopping. I don't want to be stopped. I need to keep on fighting for my dreams. I have to. If not there's no longer any meaning to this soul.

I know I will die if I ever lose to that side of mine.

Survive. Please. I beg of you. Don't lose.